It's fun, you should try it. (Or not) Part 2

 Well, so it is, that the time has come to write part 2 of my It's fun you should try it (Or not) series. In this series I explore hobbies of which I have experience, some of it vast, and yet some more of it childish. Today's lesson is: Kayaking, the ins and outs, the insides explained, and the universal discovery of which way is up. 

  

 So, the first and foremost thing of interest is a vest thingy that isn't exactly comfortable, it is bulky, and makes you feel a bit like a Michelin man. It's called a life vest or life jacket. I was one day peacefully sitting on my kayak, when one of those cunning humans I call friends rolled my kayak. The life vest made my contemplation of dying only last 15 seconds or so, and prevented my great alarm from developing into a thing called panic. To be fair to the cunning human, I had given him permission to conduct this "experiment." I would say it was invigorating, but I didn't feel inclined to allow him to conduct it again. So, while under water suddenly like, I was not thinking about oreos or ice cream or all the western luxuries of life, I was asking a fundamental and deep question to myself, I was asking, now which way is up though?  Then I asked, which way is up!!? Then finally I asked, OK, IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS RIGHT REASONABLE AND SENSIBLE, I DEMAND A REVELATION OF WHATEVER DIRECTION LEADS TO AIR!!! Or something like that, this is merely an analysis of what 15 seconds of emotions might have contained. Well, you see, thing is, the life jacket hauled me in that direction and I began to breathe again. Literally and figuratively (heh heh).

  Next, we should examine the paddle, the paddle is a long stick that has wide spots on the ends. These wide spots are meant to gently be stroked through the water on either side of your kayak. It is advised to be smooth and calm here, with two major exceptions of which I will speak of later. If you decide to do your paddle strokes in a fashion similar to some of the casting techniques outlined in part 1, then you may find yourself out of the kayak. For detailed and somewhat sober analysis of what this is like, carefully re-read paragraph 2. Anyway, the 2 exceptions to the calm and smooth paddling rule are, 1, If you find yourself crowding 30 and enjoying a wife's good cooking, and these young, high octane creatures known as younger brothers declare or imply you to be old to beat them to some random landmark, and 2, if you are being chased by any creature that you don't want anywhere near your kayak. If this creature is your wife, then stop reading this immediately, and talk to Jesus. 

 Lastly, we must examine the great plastic piece known as the kayak. The kayak could in some innocent way be considered a legalist, because it has certain rules, if any of these rules are broken, justice is swift and immediate. For detailed and somewhat sober analysis of what this is like, carefully re-read paragraph 2. On some kayaks the rules are no standing, no weight over the side, and depending on the size of the human, no more luggage than what is needed to feed a small unhappy mouse. Other kayaks allow you more freedom in luggage and yet are as strict otherwise, and yet others allow you to stand, and then perpetually punish you for taking that liberty by being slow. Finally, there are kayaks that don't need to use paddles for propulsion, they use motors or pedals. This helps obtain a happy marriage of stand ability and speed, with a one time violation of your wallet's right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. This then means you miss out on all the joyous sufferings detailed in paragraph 3. Anyway, I do hope this helps in your quest of kayaking.

-Loren